[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
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“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
Breaking news:
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery