“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
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If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
how come we never get to click boxes of dinosaurs or volcanoes why is it always vehicles
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
Reasons my toddlers cried this weekend:
-It stopped raining outside
-My wife asked them if they wanted to go to the playground
-I took the “wrong” bite of my sandwich
-I helped my 4 y/o for to many minutes
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years