[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
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Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
The news is so predictable nowadays
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min