“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
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If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
Banderslack Clamberdorch
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
When you “pspspsp” too hard