* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
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“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
“No way.” -Jose
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
This cat wants you to take your pills
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”