Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
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If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
I’m not stressed
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
plant them where lol
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*