When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
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Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?