Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
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Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.