of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
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*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.