I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
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Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
One-year-olds do not care about your carefully arranged baby activities or the toys designed by professionals. One-year-olds wish to fling wide the portals of the kitchen cabinetry and make it a temple to Chaos. The children yearn for the rummage
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next