Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
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[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid