I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
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Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence