19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
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Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee