it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
You Might Also Like
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
Brb my Sims are getting married
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
Found the job I’m suited for
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.