“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
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Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
Roses are red, you always mattered,
my one true gender
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.