firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
You Might Also Like
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.