If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
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*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.