The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
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NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
i smell a pulitzer
everyone’s a critic
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.