Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
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Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
#damn
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.