“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
You Might Also Like
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!