Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
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One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
me: my friends:
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.