Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
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I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
What’s so funny?
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”