ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
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I can’t name one person who is absolutely 100% useless to society
But my Dad did
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
My daily affirmation
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.