Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
You Might Also Like
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”