I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
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Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
saying “i am bad at this”
-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvementsaying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”
-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels