As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
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[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
i saw a single tiktok in which a woman mispronounced gnocchi “yonkees” and unfortunately for everyone in my life i am going to say it that way forever now.
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
Perfect
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
Easy enough.
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?