I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
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Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
Think I pulled my liver
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.