My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
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trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.