Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
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After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.