incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
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Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
idk what this dog had been going through but same
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
I feel for my kids, who had to take in the groceries and put them away today. They may never recover from this traumatic experience.
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
Typos is the Greek god of spelling errors