ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
You Might Also Like
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
Me in tagged photos
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever