Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
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When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS
I don’t get marriage
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4