Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
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I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*