Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
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when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
My dryer is celebrating lint.
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.