doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
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Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
Stop making fast and furious movies.
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?