Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
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nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
ready to be harvested
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.