There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
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i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
sigh
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…