It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
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Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.