I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
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*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
The great thing about playing the trombone is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.