If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
You Might Also Like
the way this pissed me off… 😭
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
went fishing caught a bass
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”