*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
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That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
My hips? Compulsive liars.
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.