COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
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They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
lmao
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?