“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
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*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
security at the airport getting more straightforward
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
3.
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5.
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”