Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
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“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
pizza
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking