him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
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Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
No, YOUR illiterate.
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
I ordered a hamburger today, but what I got was more of a beef wafer.
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.