coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
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My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
Home #decor warning.
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed