Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
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6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]