[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
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why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.