My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
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Interviewer: Your resume states that you can dunk?
Me: Are you going to test me?
Interviewer: No, I’m more curious about why you would put that-
Me: Oh well then yeah I can dunk
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.