From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
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If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
SCARY COSTUME
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”